


I'll carry home inside me

by antheeia



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Au in which Hope's Peak doesn't exist, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, also kind of a ventfic, however you like it best, or maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 11:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10555480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antheeia/pseuds/antheeia
Summary: Hajime [...] came to the conclusion that, after all, under all those bizarre thoughts, all his apathy and all the blunt and insensitive observations, Nagito is nothing more than someone who needs to be loved. He desperately wants that, more than anything, and since he thinks he's not worthy of it, he is ready to do the most awful and stupid things if he suspects they could lead him to that.Hajime can relate to that, to the feeling of being useless and unworthy, to the willingness to do the most absurd things to become a better person — not because he wants others to love him, but because he wants to find a reason to love himself — and that similarity is probably the whole premise of their relationship: feeling equally unworthy in a world that always asks for too much.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Anne: happy birthday! I love you~
> 
> This was not exactly what she asked for, but anyway. AU in which Hope's Peak doesn't exist. Inspired by [this beautiful and touching song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lX5FpPP4TSA) and by my own horrible mood.

> _They say home is the place where your heart is_  
>  _Then I am home now, though I am far away_  
>  _For so long I've let the forest guard it_  
>  _And now it's begging me to stay_  
>  _And I'm trying my best to be tough_  
>  _To pretend I am strong and can siphon it off_  
>  _But I'm not who I wanted to be_  
>  _In my heart I belong in a house by the sea_

 

If you could look inside that train wagon moving outside the city right now, you’d see them: two guys sitting next to each other, close enough for their hands to brush one against the other, but not enough for that contact to be evident. They’ve been sitting there for a long time now, while people were coming and going, and yet they always stayed silent, exchanging nothing more than some warm looks.

Hajime Hinata is 22 years old, and he always thought he was a failure. He always dreamed of being someone, of being relevant, of contributing to the world somehow. But he is as much of a common person as you can possibly be. There’s nothing special about him, except for maybe the fact that he dreams too big.

But, there is a but, the guy sitting next to him makes him feel special. Nagito Komaeda looks at him like he is the most important and relevant person in the whole world, like the universe would lose its meaning without him. It's not always like that, but when it happens, Hajime really feels at home.

Nagito is a strange guy. Not only because of his appearance — the white hair and the shabby way he dresses — but because he has strange ideas. He’s not much of a consistent person, but he's constantly clingy and is able to ramble for hours about people he admires or just about hope and the future.

Hajime found him annoying at first; but he slowly came to appreciate the unique person he is, and he came to the conclusion that, after all, under all those bizarre thoughts, all his apathy and all the blunt and insensitive observations, Nagito is nothing more than someone who needs to be loved. He desperately wants that, more than anything, and since he thinks he's not worthy of it, he is ready to do the most awful and stupid things if he suspects they could lead him to that.

Hajime can relate to that, to the feeling of being useless and unworthy, to the willingness to do the most absurd things to become a better person — not because he wants others to love him, but because he wants to find a reason to love himself — and that similarity is probably the whole premise of their relationship: feeling equally unworthy in a world that always asks for too much.

That's why they're on that train tonight. They're going somewhere they hope they won't feel the pressure to be more than they can possibly be. Nagito isn't really convinced, to say the truth. He believes that wherever they go, things won't ever change; but he tagged along anyway because he was sure that his place was right next to Hajime and nowhere else.

 

> _They say home is a place where you're needed_  
>  _Then I am home now, but I am leaving_  
>  _To feel my feet being kissed by the seaweed_  
>  _And I will be silent and kiss it back_  
>  _This is not who I want you to see_  
>  _It's just adding on weight to the darkness in me_  
>  _And from the little I have understood_  
>  _I believe that a house by the sea would do good_

 

If there was enough light for you to see anything on that beach, you’d see them walking barefoot, hand in hand, the sea washing the sand from their feet. Nagito seems strangely happy, not just his carefree but cold usual self: he seems excited, maybe because he never went to the beach at that hour of the night, maybe because that whole situation just feels surreal, like it’s nothing but a strange dream, and they’ll both wake up to their common life in their boring, stupid old apartments, alone in their cold beds.

Anyone watching them right now would see two people who have forgotten for a moment about their insecurities, their problems, their desperate wishes, those impossible ambitions they jealously keep for themselves — maybe in the vain hope that they will come true one day — and it almost feels like they’re back to being kids, playing with each other with not one worry in the world. For Nagito, that’s something he’s only ever experienced with Hajime: not having to hide his unpleasant feelings all the time, just sincerely smiling at someone for no reason, forgetting for a while about his own inconsistency and his dissatisfaction with himself.

They talk a little, meaningless chatter, and Hajime is suddenly strange — Nagito can tell, he can always tell — he sounds resigned somehow, like he changed his mind, like the realisation hit him that there are some things not even he can change, and no matter how far they go, those things will haunt them forever; like he just reminded himself that they can’t run from reality, no matter how much they love each other.

They both share the same contradicting feelings — the hope that they can, one day, do something meaningful and the absolute and haunting lack of trust in themselves and their skills — and as much as Nagito feels like he himself deserves to feel like that — because he knows there’s not really any reason for him to be alive and there will never be — he’s not really sure about Hajime: he knows he’s a common person as well, that there’s nothing special or valuable about him, and yet he can’t shake the gut feeling that he’s still somehow superior, still worthy of praise and love and admiration. Maybe it’s because of the way he hugs him, and his body feels warm and soft and his voice sounds reassuring and his words always manage to make him feel better; maybe it’s just the result of his selfish desire to feel like he’s finally worthy because he’s loved by someone superior to him, because someone better than him values him that much.

Hajime slowly loosens the hug and holds Nagito’s hand again. “Let’s go”, he whispers.

 

> _They say home is a place you can choose to be_  
>  _And I've decided to carry home inside me_  
>  _So it's not really as if I am leaving_  
>  _It's more like something pulling me_  
>  _Because behind everything that I do_  
>  _I just want to forget, want to carry this through_  
>  _Fill my lungs with the sweet summer air_  
>  _In my heart, in my mind I am already there_

 

If you could put yourself in their shoes and look down from the sea cliff they are on right now, you’d see the dark waves violently hitting its base and feel some small spur of water wetting your face and your clothes.

That’s what Nagito is doing, unaware of — or maybe purposefully ignoring — the tension that their unspoken dark thoughts leave in the air. But Hajime can’t really ignore the question hanging between them, as much as he tries, and he formulates it in his mind, again and again, looking for the right words.

Nagito steps back to return by Hajime’s side, their shoulders gently brushing against one another, their hands still tightly, stubbornly wrapped together. They both look ahead, watching the sun rising, and the sky getting lighter and lighter, painting itself with a pale tone of orange that slowly takes over everything until it’s almost like they’re watching the world through a filter.

The sound of the sea and its smell create a delicate atmosphere that’s almost dreamlike: everything is soft and muffled, and even the wind lashing at them doesn’t seem that cold; the fresh air actually feels suffocating and the view painted of sunset just looks like a picture of a place unreachable and far away.

And Hajime can’t hold the question inside anymore, so he asks. “What if we jumped?”

_Yeah, what if?  
_

 

> _Yeah behind everything that I do_  
>  _I just want to come home and lay down beside you_  
>  _And then I'll be who I wanted to be_  
>  _In my heart I belong in a house by the sea_

 

If you could look through the window of that house — if you knew where it was, _if it actually existed somewhere_ — you could see Hajime walking softly, barefoot, on the wooden floor, like he’s trying not to make any noise, his silent steps leading him towards the bedroom and leaving prints of wet sand all around.

From a different window, you could see Nagito laying on the bed, his eyes open and looking outside, toward the sky and the sea: he’s waiting for something, and not even the sound of the waves is able to rock him to sleep; but since he’s listening so carefully to the silence of that house, he hears the slow movements of the guy in the other room.

He smiles, but he doesn’t move, and he closes his eyes when two arms close around him from behind, wrapping him in a familiar warmth that smells like home much more than the sea ever will. He gets closer to Hajime, tightening the hug around himself.

“I’ve been waiting for a whole day, you know?”

Hajime laughs, and it’s so clean and light and simple that Nagito thinks anyone would fall in love with it, if only they could hear it.

“I’m sorry it took so long. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
